Does it make sense to have someone on your buddy list that you dont have intentions on talking to?? kind of a waste of space if you ask me... eh?

anyway.. so i think alot about where things are now.. compared to where they have been and where they are supposed to be.. i have no complaints at all about the way things are now.. lets face it, we have had ourselves quite a good time the last few months.. i see my friends more than i could imagine, and for those of you who have stuck around long enough, know how much making up there is to do, i didnt hang out with you guys for quite some time.. im glad i see them all as much as i do..

so i think about before.. how things were.. i dont wish things to be how they were before, but i miss certain aspects of my life.. i miss having the people around i always did.. i miss seeing some people and i miss talking to some people.. i look at some of these people, and it makes me rather sad, to see where they are and what has changed with them.. it seems i have been best friends with almost everyone at some point.. and everyone is so much different then how they were when we were best friends.. its kind of sad.. i miss the way things were back in the day..

sean and i finally signed the lease to our apartment.. rather shocking.. we have been to hell and back figuring out if we were going to and all those good apples.. im glad we did.. we have such a fun apartment.. its just good times every night.. we talk in a year about sean moving and me moving and everyone kind of going their own ways.. wow.. trying to imagine all these people i have in my life, not being here.. its alot different.. these people are my life.. if i could make life how i wanted.. we would all be doing what we have been doing.. forever.. we have so much fun, and no one wants these times to end.. i think we should all always live together and be best friends like we have been..

so since i havent commented on the topic, have kind of been trying to avoid, but cannot.. how much things changed for 6 months ago.. there is something i noticed about girls.. it seems that any girl i have broken up with or decided that i didnt want to try anymore.. not friends nor on the greatest of terms.. with any of them.. any girl that has ever broken up with me.. are my best friends in the world.. i dont hold grudges too much at all against people.. there are some people whos minds i just could never understand.. you tell me you dont want to talk to me, you're moving in january and your not going to talk to me until then.. whatever.. i take you off my buddy list (figure there is no reason for me to try involving myself anymore, so to save my efforts i avoid the situation).. well then i act like a 10 year old for making the person who is not going to talk to me anymore.. incapable of talking to me.. but since im on this topic, it has been brought up before.. double standards.. and all of you know every single conversation im talking about.. its equivalent to this.. person A. "im not talking to you ever again"... person B "nice way to be mature and act like a 10 year old about it.." person A "ok.. fine.. what do you want?".. person B "nothing.. im not talking to you anymore"... situations like that.. i could fucking kill someone.. hypocritical people are some of the very very few people i actually hate in this world.. heres one.. people who get pissed off and upset becuz you "move on too quickly".. then when you question them about moving on.. you get "dont expect me to feel sorry for myself for more than a couple days"..... WOW.. i think enough said there..

so its nice to finally be able to be around someone every day and not argue with them at least once a week.. its kind of weird.. its been well over 3 months and we havent had a single arguement at all.. which is cool.. i think having friends over alot help that.. we dont get caught up in stupid shit about us.. we just let it go and enjoy our nights.. which i like things like that... there is also a shared certain sense of logic.. if someone gets pissed off at you, you dont get pissed off at them for being pissed off.. you find out why and make them feel better.. and finally someone who understands the logic behind that..

ok.. going on from that topic now.. i miss all my old friends, those people i used to see all time.. and never do now.. those people you end up talking to at 3 in the morning when no one else is online.. yea.. those people.. megan, havent seen you in like.. a month... which is weird.. i talked to you every single day before.. lets do that again.. Jes.. i miss seeing and spending time with you.. i think there is a party involved that isnt that cause of it.. it just helps it along.. but you are one of those people who im going to be friends with forever.. i can tell.. sean.. i miss you too.. thinking about not living with you.. make me sad.. so i think we should just always always live together.. its party time.. roommates 4 lyfe.. haha.. al.. al al al.. how could i forget about al.. one my best buddies.. gone.. its super duper sad.. but whenever we are all together, its like old times.. i hope alittle more time will pass and things will be okay again.. ok.. hold your breath guys.. this ones a shocker.. maddie.. haha.. sorry al.. but, it is very true.. maddie was my bestest of best friends for years.. and i dont really talk to her too much anymore.. we had a lot of fun.. i miss her.. hope all is well for her..

is it weird to think about your best friends.. and how you became friends.. which friends you met threw.. and how neither of you talk to them anymore.. yet you are now better friends than you and the other person ever were... haha.. such good times.. seany boy.. your always my homeboy.. you know why.. cuz JESUS IS MY HOMEBOY!!.. peace out bitches...

you remember the times you spent with all your friends when you were in high school.. everyone was just soo cool and everything was just so routine and it was all so much fun.. and you start to realize how much you are growing up.. people leave and you may not ever even see them again.. its crazy to think about people growing up soo fast.. friends moving out of state to college.. friends moving in with boyfriends/girlfriends... friends getting engaged.. or having babies.. its soo crazy.. you never realize how much all your friends mean to you until they are starting to grow up and you start to miss them all the time..

ok.. well i wrote this entry about one my best friends in the whole world.. and her life is changing more than i could ever imagine.. and its changing for good.. things will never be the same again.. and thats what you miss.. you think how things used to be, how much fun and how great it was.. and those times are over.. people have more reponsibility and have better things to do.. if you read this you know who you are.. you are my best friend and you have been for what seems like forever.. we have been threw soo much, as friends and as even more.. i miss all the times we used to have when we were soo carefree.. i hope the best for you.. i would never wish an ounce of unhappiness upon you and i hope you are the happiest person forever.. you have my number and you could use it anytime.. even if you decided to wait 3 years.. i will still be here happily answering your call.. keep strong, you always were..

some people are just fucking crazy.. god im so glad my life is going somewhere else for a change.. away from some people.. and to others.. and for all of you im leaving behind cuz i dont like you.. fuck you guys.. and for all of those who are jumping on this new band wagon... its party time...

So everyone seems to be soo shocked by the way i can handle things.. i am perfectly capable of spending every single day with a person, and then one day, stop seeing them all together, and be okay with that.. people are only what i make them to be.. i can control whether i want to see someone or not, i can control whether i want to talk to someone or not, in fact i can even control how much i like people.. I have full control over every emotion in my body.. i can guard myself to not let anyone emotionally hurt me..

But what can i say about the last week.. well the only thing that comes to mind is, what goes around.... comes around.. i remember almost 5 months ago, i thought everything was absolutely perfect, but aparently i was wrong.. things werent perfect at all.. well within a matter of days after our "break" she found someone else.. yep.. i never had any idea, we didnt stop kissing.. touching.. staying the night together.. didnt stop any of that.. and go figure, i found out.. well here were are .. 5 months later.. and she is soo suprised that i tell her that we should stop kissing and staying the night together, and she gets upset at me for having someone i spend all my time with.. when in reality.. the last 5 months havent been fun.. i never once had a completely fun day with no disappointments.. when in the last week, i havent had a day with disappointments..

im really not trying to hurt anyone.. and there are a lot of things that she decided to change, just to make herself look better or something.. but for whatever reason, half the things she says.. isnt even true...

i dont honestly feel i did anything wrong.. i told her that we should stop kissing and spending the night and all of that stuff for a reason.. what else is there for me to do.. im not with anyone else.. i havent gone and had sex or anything with anyone else.. im simply spending time with someone else.. anybody tell me what i did wrong here??? please...

So once again, i seem to have found myself stuck between a rock and a hard place.. at which i seem to be so good at doing to myself.. here are my thoughts

on one hand, i have a great girl that means the best but has a way of making very rash decisions, which isnt always good.. I know my life is basically planned out with her and everything is all good. Do i really want to try and go through what we have already gone through for the last few months? Is it worth giving up certain things in my life?

on hand two, i have the complete opposite.. hah.. so.. that is being stuck between a rock and a hard place.. it sucks...